Christmas Break!

Ol' Christmas break! How I love the!

Tonight my mom semi-planned a Christmas family dinner and movie night. It was bitter sweet. More sweet than bitter. She found the ingredients to an Olive Garden dish, Caprese pasta. It was delish! I could tell she was kind of excited about cooking the dinner, she was even going to cook with wine and drink some with the meal (something she has never done before) ... oh and I of course of saying yes to the wine, if nothing else I think family meals SHOULD be intoxicating to lighten the crowd up a bit and make everyone ease up some. Anyways, mom was late cooking the meal, the bread burnt a tad bit, dad was complaining, and nobody really talked much at the table. Everyone just kind of ate quickly and it was over. I talked... as usual... I think I was just jabbering away and everyone was listening, I think mom enjoys that she can rely on me carrying the conversation for the 4 of us. Anyways, dad seemed ill about something (typical, typical) and he was being rough washing the dishing and kind of slamming the cabinet doors, and just being terse with everyone. Then I hooked up my computer and we watched The Blind Side (non-legal) online. [Greeat, now I'm caught!] but it was GREAT quality, I thought it was meant to be. Then in the middle of the movie it cut off and said we had to pay... what a tease! So it took me a while to find another website to finish up the movie. Anyways, mom made the comment that the family dinner and movie night did not turn out like she planned, she thought it was ruined. Jonathan kind of seemed off to himself too... he was on his phone a lot, I was texting Kyle a good bit but not that much to be rude.

Kyle wants me to come to Athens for New Years and I really want to but it's a sticky situation because it's Dad's birthday. I hate that his birthday is on New Years Eve! :( such horrible timing. I've decided if I'm going to have a kid I will squeeze him in until after New Years eve or New Years haha. Or even Christmas Eve, that is worse! Last year Kyle was my New Years kiss and like Kyle said "you can't mess with tradition"! lol however, I believe this year he will be kissing someone else because I don't think it will be possible for me to drive to Athens. Between everything I have to do and Sarah's wedding reception and bridal shower and going to the outlets with Jessica, I feel booked.

Me and Jessica have been hanging out a good bit, I'm getting to catch up on her life in fast mode. I still can't believe she is going to have a baby. I don't think hanging around her much is helping me b/c it might be softening me up some. I'm STILL in no way interested in marriage or babies, but i feel like there is something contagious about everyone getting married around you that maybe unconsciously it makes you starting thinking more about being alone. I however wont be alone, not for a long time, I've got tons of friends and my family. I don't have room for marriage haha. I want to experience a lot more before vowing my life away. (No offense to anyone get married, this is just my opinions, I'm def. happy for everyone else who has different life ambitions!) I however think God's plan for me is to be an individualist! I'm in fact a better person by myself! Everything great I've done, it's been by myself and motivated from becoming more singlized... if that can possibly make sense.

I've been having some crazy funky dreams lately though. Maybe I can call them nighmares. I dreamed someone broke into my house and stole my favorite jackets, and I was dating Luke Martin again. hahaha... I live a simple life.

It's raining really hard outside, hard enough to make it sound like snow. I sure wish it was snowing! If I woke up and it was a white christmas, that would be wonderful! It would make my year! But... :( according to the satelite clock, it is only 47 degrees outside and it is not cold enough for snow! :( so that means it will be a very rainey Christmas!

Well goodnight! I'm going to bake some cranberry bars for tomorrow's Christmas dinner! Goobye Loves!

I'm really tired! Not exhausted, because I just woke up from a long nap but still pretty tired. I stayed up until 4:00am last night studying for my abnormal psychology exam. That professor is annoying because he has clicker questions instead of paper tests. I never have enough time to fully read and think about the questions.

Thursday I turned in my research paper and took my Psych3980 exam. I don't know how I did. I'm borderline A or B in there and I really need an A. Oh well... I guess we will just see what happens. I think I'm avoiding studying since it's a stressor for me haha. I went to TJ max home good stroe yesterday instead. I LOVE that store. They have so much beautiful stuff. I can't wait to decorate a big ol' house with lots of cheap cute ctuff lol. I bought shelby a travel ipod player and a small key chain since she will be getting her learners next year. We've got Courtney so much stuff so far, I kind of think it's wrong because she is not Jamie's child and if they just up and leave Jamie then we lost a lot of money, but then she is also a child and doesn't deserve to go withoutl Especially in middle school, because middle school can be really cruel lol. I still wanted to try and find them each a fashion scarf since they both like wearing them. I told mom I would buy Courtney a comforter for her bead because she uses nastey sheets, it's sad.

I'm going to be SO happy when all my finals are FINISHED!

Yay, I FINALLY did what I said I was going to do! I woke up and walked/ran on the treadmill for 45minutes. It wasn't even that hard, I thought I'd be forcing myself to stay on it for the full 45minutes but I enjoyed it. I said I was going to wake up at 9am... but I didn't wake up until 11am, but hey, it's a start right! I can't believe how out of shape I am. I use to go to Ramsey every single day and spend about 30minutes on the eliptical and 30 on the treadmill-running. Oh well, I'm proud that I am getting back on track, and doing it a healthy way! After the treadmill I did a short David Kirsh workout, I didn't really feel the burn, but now my butt is a little sore haha. I hope I have time to did my yoga video before bed tonight but studying for my exam is more important. So far I have ate healthy today too, following the david kirsh meal plans. Hopefully if I can keep this up for 3 months I will look and feel a lot better by March which is bikini season.

Now I need to go and finish my 12page research paper and get ready before my biology review tonight at 7pm.

Derek called me tonight, it did make me a little happy... I'm just glad to be finished with our fight. It happened in a weird way though...

I was reading my mail and it said I had a facebook message from Derek. I didn't know my facebook account was activated again. Then I thought about it and I guess b/c I entered a online sweeptakes to win a wii (I desperately want a wii game ugh), there was a button at the end of the form and you had to add their fan page to your facebook account. I clicked it and typed in my old facebook pasword and it reactivated my account. Somehow though Derek was de-friended on my page, he thought I de-friended him and I didn't. I'd be mad too if I was him, it was bad timing since we had just had a fight and then he got de-friended. ANYWAYS, so I got on AIM and he was on so I tried to explain it to him. He was still kind of cold to me so I was like well w/e I still don't even know what we were fighting about to begin with. So I got off AIM and deleted it. I finally cut the last connection threat to my social life. (Minus my phone which I need). It had not even been an hour and Derek sent me a text to my phone saying he wanted to talk. I thought it would be about us, but he told me he found out his ex g/f cheated on him. I feel bad for him because I know the feeling, but then Idk... I just detest dating in general, it's such bs to me. Seems like EVERYONE cheats.

Obviously I did not wake up and start running on the treadmil this morning. Ha actually I went to sleep last night and a HUGE storm came around 3:30-4:00am. I was SOOO scared. I wish I had a roommate when that happened because the only thing I could think was a tornado was coming and I was going to die. I wish I could have a best friend that was truely trusthworthy, a good peron, and there for me. I think more than likely if I find someone like that it would be a guy, and if he is trustworthy and a good peron I'm going to want to date him ha. The day I find that peron is probably the day I find who I'm going to marry. So anyways, I woke up and immediately started chowing down on a bananna. It was so frustrating because I didn't even really want the damn bananna. It was like a mental thing. Then after that I was like well f* it, I will just lay on the couch all day (which I did) and watched talk shows all day. I then was pissed because Derek was coming anymore. I had bought a box of raisens to cook oatmeal raisen cookies. I cooked them by myself and ate them ALL. Then threw up.

Around 6pm I decided I needed to get my life back together and I started walking on the treadmil, only for 20mins (and it was only walking). I put on my boxing glove and had a strong desire to punch the crap out of something, so I think I have inner aggresion, I just need to figure out how to make the aggression come out. I have my mind set on buying a wii and a punching bag. Haha I already bought a stripper pole (which I can't believe I did). I don't even use it that much, which sucks because it's really fun. I think once I finish school I will have a lot more time to play on it. I want to get a bullshit kind of job, enough to survive on then play around and do the things I've been wanting to do for the past 4 years.

Goal #1: Get back in shape, have a slammin' hot body by this time next year. That is my ultimatum, my new years resolution I guess.

Goal #2: Get my old personality back, I want to feel like a happier person again, I think that will come when I feel better about myself and get a better body.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm suffering from depression, I hope I get over it because I desperately need to get back to my life. This time 2 years ago I was at my highest point, the happiest I could be. I've reflected on that and 2 answers come to mind. (1) I was the skinniest, and happiest i'd ever been with my body. (2) I had the boy of my dreams, PERFECT.

... fast forward a year later, I gained 20 pounds, and the boy was fake masquerade. When do I get a happy ending? And what will the happy ending be?

4 years went by fast ...

Hey Em,

It's hard to believe the last time you wrote on here was 4 years ago. In a sense I feel like I still had my innocence then. It's like within a blink of an eye my college life is gone. Amazing.  ... I feel like I am having an epiphany now. Not that I didn't think about this before it happened, I fully realized my 4 years in college would fly by so fast. I throughly wanted to enjoy it while I could and have fun with it. I think I succeeded. Facebook was invented and of course everyone ditched myspace and jumped on that wagon. Tonight I happen to run across my old xanga page and slightly reminesed about the good ol' days. It's perfecting time I admit. Within this week I have hit a full on pre-mid life crisis. I deleted my facebook (the world ended) ha, I just wanted to cut connections with EVERYONE. I have been on a unconscious mission to push everyone out of my life and well I succeeded. I even pushed Derek out. But suprisingly I think he was the one who actually pushed me out. Apart of me wants to rekindly the friendship but the other part of me thinks it's best. It's better for him and for me. I need my space for now.

I added Chris Evans as a friend on facebook. I have not talked to him in about 4 years. Surprisingly he is still with the girl he cheated on me with. How bad does that make me feel? To say I don't care a bit would be a big fat lie. I'm very happy and thankful I'm not with him, yes that is true, but I'm still hurt. When does hurt feelings ever mend? I mailed him his class ring and I wish I would have put my promise ring he gave me in the package with his class ring. But today he de-friended me on facebook. I didn't do anything to him. Fine, if you want to be a bitch I will pawn the damn ring! Money for me! I think about our relationship over and over from time to time. I just feel like that is the begining of me being really fucked up in the head about men. I just trusted him SOO much and he lied to me and cheated behind my back so much that I was so oblivious to it all. My hurt is from trust. I trust him, he was the ONE person I trusted and let my heart fully open to and he just poured acid into it. It's true... people remind me that we were young, but it's not Chris that I can't let go of, b/c BELIEVE me, he has grown in 4 years to be white trash and I am so thankful I did not stay with him, bless the lord for my heartache. My issues are deep seeded in the fear of becoming close to anyone. It might have been the HUGE 360 of being fully shocked by the person he turned out to be. I don't trust myself to use good judgement. Maybe I want everything on my terms. If I'm going to be thrown in front of a bus, I won't to know which direction the bus is coming.

Doesn't matter.... Anyway, I was reading some old e-mails from 2006 and I had sent myself some mails titled "That bastard" and it was Chris sending several girls messages on myspace saying "It was great seeing you tonight, it reminded me of how beautiful you are, lets meet up again or chat online sometime". And then it all occured to me.... I was STILL idealizing the relationship me and Chris had until now. Even after all the bullshit that went down, I still thought back to our "good times" and the bad times were kind of hazey. I'm going to list some bad times now: (1) He ALWAYS lied to me, could never tell the truth. (2) He was immature and obnoxious. (4) NEVER romantic and original. (5) He tried to hit me and broke his knuckles. and then number (6) He forced me to have sex. All of that is not counting that he was probably always out seeing other girls behind my back. I don't think I could date someone worst. Why am I scared of jumping into a relationship, shoot... can't get worse, can only pick better, so I should be fearless.

It's 12:17pm... I have 4 more finals to complete. I worked on my sign language video for a good 4 hours tonight. I want to try and wake up in the morning and run/walk on the treadmil for 30minutes. That has been my goal for a year now, maybe even 2 years. I'm a night time owl, I'm just not a morning bird. I ruin my diet in the morning and then eat healthier by night. Ha. But tomorrow my "David Kirsh 2week Workout plan" begins. Sarah Garmon is getting married and her reception is on December 29th. I really want to look a little better before it. It will kind of be like a reunion, I will see a lot of people I have not seen in 4 years. I don't think i've gained a whole lot of weight in 4 years. I think at most I've gained about 6 pounds. A lot of it is muscle though. I have gained a lot of stress wrinkles ha. I look forward to getting a booty lift, boob job, and botox in the future.

It was nice writing a entry and talking about my feelings. I'm glad nobody uses xanga anymore. It's changed so much I don't know how to control the privacy settings anymore but nobody gets on xanga much less reads my posts. This is the first time I've wrote in 4 years so I don't think I have anything to worry about with people being all up in my business. Now, if I wrote on facebook that would be another story. I'm kind of enjoying this feeling of freedom from deleting facebook. Idk if I want to get facebook back, I feel much better without it. I never got off facebook feeling good about myself, only bad emotionally. It's impossible to keep up with everyone. I think a lot of deep problems will become rooted by facebook in the future.